Monday, 10 September 2012

An Early "Midlife" Crisis?!

Oh $h*t.

stop watch by klaasvangend - This is the fixed version of my original stop watch (or chronograph) - I now converted the numbers to curves so it displays on all computers.

The count down has begun.

I have two weeks left at home with my darling boys; before the dreaded return to work after maternity leave.

I don't know why, but I somehow convinced myself that it would be O.K. this time 'round, that I would be able to cope much better but I am on official FREAK OUT peeps!

shhh, I'm hiding!

It's made worse by the fact that I think I am having  a midlife crisis of sorts... (Doesn't the term "Midlife Crisis" actually refer to one being in midlife?! I'm not there yet...)

Brace yourself, rambled explanation to follow:

When I was in school, I decided that I would follow a career in nursery nursing as it would result in a stable job. Being the eldest of six kids and supporting my siblings upbringing, childcare was the natural/obvious route to go.
I worked hard, got into college, (had a fit of rebellion and nearly messed it up) qualified and went into work.

A couple jobs later (due to bullies making me move on)  I settled at my current job. Career-wise, I was finally happy.

Then my miracles came into the world and suddenly it's all changed.

Having my own children has made me re-evaluate everything.

Green - Query Icon by ryanlerch - an icon using the triangle shape in the icons by molumen, but using a question mark instead of a exclamation mark.
Where do I go from here?

It just seems weird to me that I  am leaving my own children to go and care for someone else's all day.
It wasn't too bad when I went back to work the first time. I just went back into my usual role, working in the foundation stage of the school (2-5 year olds).

This time around, a year away has made a heck of a difference. There have been huge staff changes including several new Head teachers. Also, my line manager has gone on long term sick and no one knows if she will return.
I am not even returning to my usual role. I am being placed within a "nurture group". Translation? Year one kids who can't technically cope with year one.

In reality, this won't be bad. My normal, seeing-things-rationally-self would observe this as an awesome, new challenge. But I can't seem to shift the feeling that the school just didn't know what to do with me, as I wanted part time hours, so I was more of an inconvenience. An: oops, we gotta get her back in somewhere, after-thought.

Suddenly, nothing makes sense. I don't want this career anymore. I don't want to leave my children... But I have a mortgage to pay and mouths to feed. I have no choice.

College has been on my mind. But what would I study? Where do I want to go exactly? Could I even leave my job? The thought of leaving to try something else (possibly failing) is daunting. At least with this job, it's term time only, which works quite nicely having children... What is it they say? Swings and round-abouts?!

It's not just returning to work which has sent my head in spin, it's the thought that we need to move house as this one is so cramped. It's all the decorating jobs left undone...
It's the fact that my eldest boy OJ, is going through so much change himself. He's potty training, got his first "big-boy's" bed and he will be starting pre-school in October (hopefully, if the setting I really want him to go can give him a place.... Stressed much?!  *sigh* )

I'm lucky that my kids are going to be cared for by my mum-in-law, a lady who I adore and have a fab relationship with, but it doesn't stop the pang of jealousy that she will have my boys. Especially the fact she will be supporting OJ when he starts pre-school. At risk of sounding over-sensitive/dramatic, the thoughts have almost brought me to tears.

I've been tying myself in knots. I just feel that I am missing something. I should be doing something different with my life but I just can't seem to find it. The more I look, the more elusive the answer.
I would love to just read and write all day, but I have to stop the day dreaming and actually construct some kind of realistic, sustainable plan.

Maybe I should just give in to the crisis...

I'll get a tattoo...

(Isn't that what people do when suffering the midlife crisis?)

Dragon by ivoermejo -

It's that or the leather jacket and motor bike...

Apologies for the ramble, there is just so much change to deal with. Any thoughts/suggestions welcome!

Thanks for reading! (I feel better!)



  1. Oh, I know how you feel. After my second child, I was feeling the same way. I was looking for work (reluctantly), not at all interested in what I was qualified to do. I looked very seriously into retraining as a high school teacher. I gave myself a few months to find something, even if it was the kind of job that would go nowhere and then to either stick with the job or apply for uni depending on how things went. So I got myself a temporary job, which I ended up liking, which then turned into a slightly different permanent job, which I now love and actually looked forward to returning to after my third bub was born. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up too much about leaving your kids for work. Sure it would be wonderful to be at home with them full-time, but then you'd be stressed out about making ends meet and probably not much fun to be around anyway. I hope it works out :-)

    1. Thank you Francesca, I really appreciate it. I was reading your blog posts as you were returning to work and they helped. I just can't help feeling I'm missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere...
      You are also right that I would end up more stressed about money if I stayed home... I figure that things just feel bad coz I'm on this side of the situation... I can only ride it out and see how it goes... ;0)

  2. Oh dear, I hope you can figure it out, sounds like you are very stressed you poor thing! No advice here, except to maybe chat with those nearest and dearest and see if they can offer any words of wisdom.

    1. Hi Hilary, thank you for dropping in!
      You are right about chats with nearest and dearest, I'm talking to my mother-in-law lots to help prepare us all for the coming changes. I think if we put plans in place, although it won't make it all better, it might at least relieve some of the anxiety.(It's what I'm tryin to convince myself at least! ;0) )